I have always been cautious about my mental health. I wonder if some folks who know me think that I am nuts to a degree? (I use “nuts” because obviously, this is not a professional publication, but out of deference to sensitivity to others, I am speaking solely of myself.) That is intentional. I try to keep my brain just outside of the box, and not fit into every convention, because what I have been witness to as “normal” or falling within the ranges, is not entirely pleasant or agreeable. There are things wrong with some people who would perhaps be classed as normal, that I find intolerable.
I don’t know what happened two days ago while I was working. But it was a step towards an edge I needed to come back from. It was something to do with all the noise going on in the world, and all the stress, and work. Work does not help because I am constantly on the move as a courier. I am heading in all directions of the compass, and down every imaginable route, and it can be very disorientating when I am not focused. Listening to the noise of other workers in the role complaining endlessly about how awful the pay is on the “offers” and how many miles they would have to drive and so on through a Discord group really helped me to lose focus on what I was doing. It became too much, and my focus and ability to completely slipped for a moment. And by ‘a moment,’ what I really mean is the better part of the workday.
Gone. But not gone-gonzo.
Yesterday I shut away from the Discord and the news and every outside input but the app I work through, and whatever I could see in the view through the window, and the people I met in person, which I was able to keep to a minimum, but real and engaged social interaction when it did happen. Not bad for a Saturday. I made a little over $200 for the day. Not great for a Saturday. Oh, who am I kidding? For the work I am doing, that is about as good as it gets. Pathetic! And that is part of the problem.
I remember when I watched Quicksilver as a kid. That came to mind the other day. It was Kevin Bacon playing a trader who lost it (somehow, it has been years since I saw the movie) and took a role as a bicycle courier. Oh man, the bikes, the little stunts, the racing around through the city, the culture of the people who did it. It was cool. I wanted a piece of that action. Of course, I was younger, and a lot healthier then, so the bike idea was fanciful. Naturally, now a car is more ideal for me. I am a lot older! But to be honest, the idea of a bike still captivates me. It would be fun! But I feel the pains of sitting in a car and driving. I cannot even imagine what handlebars would do to my shoulders, and pedals would do to my legs. Never mind the seat! I am sure it would result in a heart attack!
So, in a slightly nostalgic and admiring sense, I do like the work. I like the motion. I like the people I meet. I like the idea that it is there for me to do when I arrive, can keep me busy for as long as I care to do it, and it does not in itself hold me hostage to it when I need to leave, or in the end, when I want to leave. I chose my hours, and I work them. It demonstrates to me after a lifetime of dealing with pains that have now, finally been brought under control, that I am not lazy, despite that being a diagnosis put upon me by people who were close enough to me to have known better. But even they did not see the real problem. The pain will still occur, and it does put a limit to what I can do. But I get enough time in the seat to rest my weary bones, so to speak.
Yesterday when I woke up, I had to use the loo, and I came back to bed because it was only 5:30, and my alarm is not even set till 7AM. I resisted the temptation to watch YouTube on my tablet that is conveniently wall mounted right next to my bed and instead chose to quiet things down. I lay there for an hour thinking of as little as I possibly could. That was not easy, as such, but it sure felt good. I kept up that mental routine all through the workday yesterday, too. I did not relax. I did not eat, apart from some sausages at breakfast, and two bananas and an apple as soon as I got down into town. The rest of the day I never hungered. I figure the saved money ought to contribute to some lovely street tacos today. But the quiet made a difference.
I need to earn a little over $100 today. I don’t know how hard that will be, but I know that if I come up short of it by a little, it is not the end of the world. So!
I found two of the batteries for my old Nikon D300 last night, and got Missus to loan me her universal charger, and help me locate the adapters for it to fit my batteries. It is the first they have had a charge on them in a long time. It is a much smaller and lighter camera than my D850. The 850 is suitable for advertising copy and certainly for professional work. The 300 is an 18-year-old “prosumer” camera. It has a kit lens on it right now, and I am still considering if I should just bring the good glass. But the kit lens is so light! Basics. Basics are quiet. And quiet is so goddamned appealing right now.
So, with this written, and published, I am going to nestle back into my bed for the next hour or so, and let the patterns of the ceiling take my thoughts as exclusively as possible, and then I am going to get up, get ready for work, pack my D300, and then just before I leave for work, drop some hay in for the livestock. Then I am going to go to Logan, and while I am there, I am going to take a moment or two out during the day to capture some images. I’ll probably set the camera in manual mode, and maybe even in monochromatic. I am not looking for professional work. I am looking for art, however. But most of all, I am looking to extend the quiet in my mind.
